I Demand You Kidnap Me
by Tsubasa Kya
Summary: Kagome needs to be kidnapped, Inuyasha is a gambler and wants Kagome to be kidnapped, and Sesshoumaru has no sense in direction at all and no intention to kidnap Kagome. How will the story go on without the heroine being kidnapped? A SessKag Parody.


**Title: I Demand You Kidnap Me  
**Author: Tsubasa Kya  
_Disclaimer: I am a madwoman, but only own "Inuyasha" in my fantasies._

My name is Kagome, and I got sucked down a magical well by a crazy bug when I was fiftee--

"KAGOME!!" Damn that Inuyasha. He has once more interrupted my internal monologue. I'll have to sit him good and well for this.

"Inuyas--" I start, but he interrupts me with a glare.

"Hey, I just want to say you need to be a ditz and run off into the forest now." Inuyasha tells me, and I am curious as to why he would say that.

I voice my curiosity. "Why?"

"I figure if I just _tell_ you to go then I don't have to spend time with the clay pot otherwise known as Kikyou. Me, Shippou, and Miroku are going to a neighboring village to gamble. Okay? So just take off, get yourself lost and captured, and save us both a step in the story."

Well, that does make sense. After all, it is rather heart breaking to see him go off to Kikyou, and just thinking about it of course makes me want to jump off a cliff, so I agree with him and wave goodbye. "Okay then!" I chirp as happy as a peach. "I'll see you when you come rescue me!"

"Oh, by the way, Kagome, it might be a few days before rescue comes this time." Inuyasha says suddenly before I can take off entirely.

"What? Why!" I yell, suddenly and magically furious at the hanyou.

He shrugs at me. "Well, like I said, I'm going gambling, so I won't know you've been kidnapped until Shippou, Miroku and me return in a few days, since you're supposed to be in your time for several days yet but sporadically decided to come back early. So, rescue shall have to wait." I nodded briskly, and we salute each other. Then we walk off in our respective directions--me going to get lost, and him going to gamble.

Well, where was I on my internal monologue now? I figure as I go searching for Sesshoumaru so that I can get kidnapped and be used as bait for the Tetsusaiga or something, I might as well finish telling you-who-is-reading all about myself, even though you don't care a wit.

As I have already said, my name is Kagome Higurashi. When I was fifteen, a crazy, butt-ugly bug demon creature thingy sucked me down a magical well and so ever since the I've been traveling with a stupid half-dog-demon, emotionally constipated demon exterminator, unconventional monk, mischievous orphaned fox-demon, and a really adorable fire cat demon.

Out of all of them, I say that Kirara—the fire cat demon—is probably the best of them all. She's of course very smart and superior to the lot of them, but I'm not sure how she can put up with all that crap Inuyasha puts her through when no one is looking. Really, I suppose dogs will be dogs.

I even have a sort of 'newspaper' to deal with Inuyasha when he gets a little rambunctious. My little brother disapproves, but eh, what does he know anyway? All I have to do is say 'sit' and Inuyasha certainly sits, although I'm really amazed as to his ability to find a crater every time he sits. He's very talented!

"Do, dum dee," I hum. So, I'm not the best singer, but hey, I'm alone at the moment and talking to you just doesn't seem to be keeping me quite occupied. So, "Humm…"

Let's see, other people currently in my life? I apparently have a boyfriend named Hojou something-or-other. I don't get to see him often since he thinks I'm contagious with some infectious disease ninety-nine percent of the time. My best friends, Ayumi, Yuka, and Eri have just recently learned the truth that I've been time-traveling and want to come along.

I told them, "Next time! I promise!" and that was this morning. So, I suppose next time I go home and return, I'll be sure to bring them along. But I did tell them that before I'd bring them, they had to sit through sixteen straight hours of Grandpa's stories.

Grandpa's a great guy, really. But he's old, bent-brained, slightly cracked, and otherwise boring. Mama keeps him in something of an order, but barely. It's entirely possible that if he weren't afraid he wouldn't get supper if he went rampaging through the city with useless glue-paper, the city would have "wanted" posters all over with his name on it.

My little brother Souta is a pest and a cry-baby. … That's really all I have to say about him.

And yet, still others in my life are some pretty nefarious beings who ultimately want me to die and to rule the world. There's Naraku, Mouryoumaru, Hakudoushi, Kagura, Hiten, Manten, those seven walking zombie creature-thingies which included that gay snake-sword guy who was obsessed with Inuyasha's ears… The frog prince, Sesshoumaru, Jaken, Onigumo, a mass of bandits, randomized demons, and a variety of other people.

My life seems to be other than normal.

"Girl," someone says to me, totally freaking me out because I really wasn't expecting anyone to be around here. I shriek and latch onto a tree for dear life.

"Don't kill me, because I am pitiful and weak and still haven't had my first kiss yet because those ones I gave Inuyasha to save his sanity really don't count and I haven't even graduated high school yet or finished my entrance essay for college and mama did tell me to do that when I went home last time—"

"Shut up." The person states collectively before I can manage to pass out from lack of air. I obey, and breathe deeply. Peering through slit eyes, I see Sesshoumaru standing in all his bedraggled glory, a lady demon leaning sleepily against him. "We're lost. Could you direct us to the nearest town?"

I blink, of course. A broad grin crosses my face. So, _she_ is who Sesshoumaru spends all his off-screen time with! "Hello! My name is Kagome and when I was fifteen I was pulled down a—"

"We've been trying to get your attention for the past twenty minutes now. We heard you speak your internal monologue aloud. We already know." Sesshoumaru says. I am, of course, annoyed that my introductory speech was interrupted but I let it slide for now.

"Okay! A town, huh? Well, I'm not so sure myself, since I'm walking to get myself lost and captured by Sesshoumaru. But if you go that way," I point in a random direction, "you'll surely find something. Could you point me to where I might find Sesshoumaru?"

Sesshoumaru smirks at me and points at himself. I blush prettily, since of course I am pretty and do so not look like a ripe tomato when I blush. "What makes you think I would _want_ to capture you?" he asks me.

I look at him with a frosty glare. The lady demon winces and yet Sesshoumaru is unperturbed. Inuyasha would have been begging for forgiveness for his wrong-doing before I sat him. Too bad I don't have a 'newspaper' for Sesshoumaru. Whack! Bad dog!

"Because I am gorgeous, and a perfect method to use to get the Tetsusaiga from Inuyasha! Besides, this _is_ a Sesshoumaru/Kagome paired story, so you and I of course will end up together in the e—"

He interrupts me for the umpteenth time. "I don't want Tetsusaiga that bad." He turns with his lady friend and starts to walk away from me.

"Wait!" I call and start following him. "I can magically regenerate your arm if you kidnap me and I start to like you better than I like bugs!" A shiver runs down my spine at the very thought of bugs.

Sesshoumaru waves his one hand over his shoulder. "No thank you. I'd rather live with only one arm." And I thought my offer would be a clincher for getting kidnapped. It appears this will be harder than I first thought. He's going to be one tough nut to crack.

I chase after him. "What about Rin? You need me to teach her about being a woman!" It's dragging on my stomach to try keeping up and breathe at the same time. He's a fast walker…

The lady demon finally speaks up and flips long black hair over her shoulder. She laughs in pure amusement. "Girl, all woman whether demon or human are the same! I can teach her myself, in fact you're quite useless to Sesshoumaru-sama-sama-sama who is so great!"

I am not pleased but I follow after. Inuyasha told me to get kidnapped so that was what I was going to do. If that's totally what I have to do to be useful to the group and drag them all into helplessly dangerous situations that are incredibly tough to get out of, then that's what I'm going to do! "You moron," I tell the woman, "don't talk 'cause you sound stupid!"

"Oh ho ho!" the woman laughs. "Sesshoumaru-sama-sama-sama, we should eat this girl."

I cringe and pause in my steps, but what Sesshoumaru said next both relieved and infuriated me. "She would be bitter and tough." Like an aged deer? Was he comparing me to aged venison meat? The nerve of him, I ought to smack him.

How fortunate for him that I am two feet shorter than him or he would have his butt kicked right then and there with the "Ultra Mega Cool High School Vengeance Justice Kick of Death!" I totally learned it from Eri two days ago. It's an easy move, simple to master, and works best against men.

"Tough? Me?" I demand. "I'm the pinnacle of feminism!" I sometimes wonder where I get my speeches from.

"Then why walk around with your legs free like a demon warrioress?" Sesshoumaru asks.

"That's not even a word!" I snap in annoyance before hunkering down and taking the most gorgeous kimono anyone ever did see complete with magical designs that flicker and shimmer and add to my mostly radiant glory in a spectacular way and don the kimono. Unfortunately when I look up again, the two have disappeared.

With a groan, I set off in search of the one who needs to kidnap me for the story to continue on. Truly, getting kidnapped is harder than I thought. But I need to find him! I have only a few days to find him before Inuyasha comes looking for me, and if I can't even get myself kidnapped by Sesshoumaru in the few days I've been allotted, then what good am I?

Grr, calling me unfeminine, how dare they! I stomp off, looking for any indication they may have left as to where they went.

* * *

**I'm challenging SessKag lovers everywhere! End.**


End file.
